Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Save Old Farts & the Budget Deficit! Tax Bicycles! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Save Old Farts & the Budget Deficit! Tax Bicycles!

Here we are in what is arguably the worst economic period in the United States since the Great Depression.

Big Gubmint Types, like the Dipshit in Chief, do what they do every time the economy turns even the least bit sour.

They yell from the highest mountain top for higher taxes, especially on the rich.

Despite having been proved an Ass Load of Fail every time it's been tried, Big Gubmint Types continue to scream for more taxes.

Sometimes, they refer to a new tax as a "fee". 

It's still a damned tax, Dumbass!

The latest Big Gbmint Type Asswipe to want to confiscate more of your money is a Democrat (go figure) from New Jersey (go figure again) named Cleopatra Tucker of Essex, NJ.

Cleo's brilliant idea is to tax bicycle riders by having them register their bikes!

Now she wants the Gubmint to issue license plates for bikes! 
Save This Old Fucker, Tax His Bike

Wait a minute, this gets even better.

Cleo's reasoning for taxing your bike?

This is Double Barrel Dumbassery, folks.

Cleo wants to tax your bike in order to make the streets safer for old people! “My goal was to at least begin a discussion of how best to protect elderly pedestrians. No idea is perfect, but protecting elderly pedestrians deserves attention,” said Tucker.

Dumbassopatra said that several old folks had called her office to complain about being knocked over by bike riders.


Anyway, in Cleo's mind taxing the bike is going to make it safe for the old folks of New Jersey to hobble down the street! 

What. The. Fuck?

If an old guy gets knocked on his ass by a bicyclist, two things come to mind.
  • One, he's senile and is walking in the street or 
  • Two, the bike rider is riding on the sidewalk and breaking an existing law. 
Oh, I apologize. I simply forgot how taxing and registering cars has virtually eliminated auto accidents.

How stoopid of me.

I'm sure that police officers all over Jersey would be on the lookout for a six year old without a state-approved license plate on his bike. I mean, the cops don't have a single more important thing to do than bust bike registration scofflaws. I am getting a headache.

After being called everything but a Child of God for the last week, Cleodumbasstra Tucker decided that maybe her idea wasn't such a good idea. Ya think? Now bicyclists all over New Jersey are free to run over senior citizens at will once again and then Cleo baby will again call for some kind of tax to keep seniors safe from the menacing hordes of New Jersey bike riders.

I have an idea: why tax the bikes when you can tax the old people! I'm sure there are more old people than bikes in NJ, so the revenue generated by this type of law would solve every conceivable economic problem in The Garden State! Tax 'em enough and they'll all become shut-ins, thus keeping them safe from those evil bicyclists. And if a little old lady strolls on the sidewalk, she does so at her own risk and she's fair game for the next Schwinn zooming by!

That makes as much sense as anything Cleopatra Tucker has proposed.



  1. Maybe they should tax - I mean, enact a fee - politicians for every dumbass utterance they make like this. We'd have enough in the coffers to buy hover-rounds for all the old folk.

    1. I agree, Eli. "Enacting a fee" is much better (doublespeak) than a piece of useless shit tax. And what Old Fucker like me doesn't need a "free" hover-round? Does ObamaCare cover those?

  2. UGH. Between this & Chris Christie's antics, I really think there's something in the dirty water dogs in Jersey! Maybe there is so much spray tan and hairspray in the air, they're not getting enough oxygen to their brains? That's why people can't ride bikes there, and old people can't even WALK and everyone thinks that ORANGE is an acceptable color for skin on this planet.

    1. You mean orange skin ain't normal? I gotta make an appointment with my dermatologist!

  3. On the other hand, one has to admit there IS something to be said about a lot of modern-day "bicycle etiquette".


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