Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: January 2015 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Dumbass Sports: Super Bowl Sideline FAIL!

At least it's better than "Lipps-Schitz"......





Dumbasses.

Dumbass Pervertery: Public Knothole Sex!

Best of Dumbass News

A Legacy.

We'd all like to leave a good one when we go to our Reward.<--- That means when we DIE for those of you Stoned Dumbasses in Boulder.

You don't have to be wealthy to leave a mighty fine Legacy upon your Departure From This Veil of Tears, although it would be nice to leave your loved ones a few million dollars when you croak.

A well-known Very Rich Asshole who has done really nice things with his fortune will not, in my opinion, leave behind what a Dumbass With Half a Brain (But, I repeat myself) would consider a "positive Legacy".

Donald Sterling owns an NBA team and was recently confirmed to be a Bigoted Taint Stain On the Underwear of Life when a transvestite who is not his wife recorded a conversation between Donald and Itself in which Mr. Taint Stain said unkind things about Negroes.

What you may not know is that the "female" that Big Don was schtooping is 1/2 Meskin and 1/2 black!

Further, the NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Colored People) was just a few days away from honoring Mr. Sterling again as the NAACP Non-Colored Guy (Honky Division) Person of the Year for his financial generosity in helping the Negro Community of Greater Los Angeles achieve goals in education, housing and picking cotton.

I don't know if this says more about Donald Sterling or the NAACP.

Now this brings us to the question of "What kind of Legacy will Lonnie Hutton of Tennessee pass on to his progeny?"

The Answer: the Legacy of a Picnic Table and ATM Fucker!

I. Ain't Kiddin'.

Lonnie walked into the Boro Bar and Grill Murphreesboro, Tennessee, dropped trou and began to inserting his penis, not his debit card, into the slot on the ATM!

Needless to say, this type of ATM Humping did not amuse the other patrons of the Boro.

The Cops were called.

HuffPoATMHumpingPo goes on to say, "Officers arriving on the scene say they saw him walking around the bar nude, thrusting his hips in the air, according to WGNS Radio.
Hutton was taken outside and ordered to sit at a wooden picnic table.
Police say he then “exposed himself again and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table,” WATE.com reports.

LONNIE HUTTON
Picnic Pecker
  • Let's see.
  • How does a full grown man insert his doohickey into an ATM?
  • Debit Card Ding Dong?
  • That must be one fine-looking picnic table.
  • With a nice "knothole".
  • Is this what is called "morning wood"?
  • Can a drunk guy get splinters in his weenie by sexually assaulting a picnic table?
  • I don't want to know.
Dumbass.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Dumbass Survival Tip: Coach Daddy Approved Winter Weather Safety Equipment!

As many of you may know, here at the Dumbass News World Headquarters Bar & Grill Likker Store & Gift Shop, a few days ago we had a blizzard that dumped about two feet of snow on us. As a matter of fact, I did the very first ever Dumbass Tube video while standing in the middle of the damn thing! The wind chill was twenty-five below zero! Not to worry though, I was wearing my Maine Moose Fur Nut Sack Warmer, so my gazebos made it out still attached just below my Daddy Dangle.

Just outside my front door we went from this:

Before Parking Lot Plowing


To this:

After Parking Lot Plowing


With another 18 inches snow forecast for today and tonight, I am reticent to let my kids go out and play. Just in case they do, Alert Reader and Meskin Dumbass Eli over at Coach Daddy brought this Inclement Winter Weather Safety and Rescue Device to my attention:



I can rest comfortably now when Issy the 12 Year Old and Bailey the 7 Year Old venture into the Great Outdoors.

Muchas Garcias, Eli!

Dumbass.


Dumbass Crime Report: Lady Steals Money, Hides It In Her Ass!

Best of Dumbass News

I can't stand a thief.

Like the Dumbass we featured yesterday who robbed a bank and forgot the money on his way out the bank door!

The worst kind of thief is one who you have known, loved and trusted - a family member, a spouse or a friend. 

For Example

A Guy down in Tennessee was having a difficult time with his live-in girlfriend. By "difficult time" I mean that he thought the bitch was stealing from him. On top of that, she thought that he was on the verge of kicking her sorry kiester to the curb.
Has Cash Out the Ass

So he set a trap for her ass.

The Guy had an extra five thousand dollars laying around so he "hid" it in a bag and left it sitting in plain sight on his foosball table.

The Girlfriend knew this.

The Guy then goes to bed.

Later that night he woke up went into the room where the foosball table was and noticed that the bag with the five large in it was missing. The Girlfriend was awake.

He then confronted her.

Butt Load of Cash

After a few minutes on interrogation, a frightened The Girlfriend vomited up a bag of partially dissolved pills.

She also admitted to stealing the money from the bag on the foosball table.

And hiding it in her rectum!

The Guy called the cops to report the theft and when they got there The Girlfriend was bleeding from her ass! It was at this point that the police asked The Girlfriend, "The Girlfriend, why are you bleeding out your ass?".

To which The Girlfriend replied, "I was trying to remove the five Gs I stole from The Guy from my ass with a Atoilet brush and some tongs!"

I am not a doctor or a Medical Professional, nor have I ever played one on TV, but it is my considered Non-Medical Professional opinion that the human asshole was not designed to be penetrated by a toilet brush and/or tongs.

Unless it's a part of the Occasional Saturday Night Mad Monkey Sex Ritual between consenting adults.

But, I digress.

According to a Police Spokesman, The Girlfriend was taken to a local hospital where the "wad of money was removed and collected as evidence".

All's well that comes out the end well.

Dumbass.

***Image from The Daily Mail***

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Super Bowl Divorcery!

Throw the book at her!




Dumbass.

Dumbass Moments in Marriage: And That's When the Fight Started.....

I heard my wife crying in the bathroom. "Honey? What's wrong" I asked.
"Oh, George! Just look at me: I'm getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I'm just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!"
I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: "Your vision's real good, honey. That's something, isn't it?"
And that's when the fight started....





When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started....





My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She was my senior year girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started....





I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....





My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....





Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....

Dumbasses.

***Stolen From All Over the www.***

Monday, January 26, 2015

Dumbass Sign of the Day: Beer & Education

Priorities, baby.....



Dumbasses.

Making History! I am Gonna Blog in a Blizzard! And Record It!


History is in the making.

What you will witness is unparalleled in the Course of Human History.

As far as I know anyway.

It will be spectacular!

It will be breathtaking!

It will be cold as hell!

It will be stoopid!

Tomorrow, Tuesday, January 27, 2015, a blizzard will blast the Dumbass Dome.

In this particular storm we are gonna get about two feet of snow with winds gusting up to 50 miles
Two Feet of Snow
per hour.


You may be thinking to yourself right now, "So what, Fearless Leader? Blizzards happen every winter all over the country."

This is true.

But...!

When a blizzard rampages through, say North Dakota, or it is sometimes called "West Minnysoda", all those candy asses there hunker down in their homes, build a nice warm fire, stock up on cheap likker and wait for the storm to pass.

Not me!

Why not me?

  1. I don't have a fireplace or wood stove.
  2. I don't drink anymore.
  3. I am not a candy ass.
  4. I am an idjit.
That said, as your Unquestioned Benevolent Fearless Leader, it is incumbent upon me to lead by example. That's exactly what will take place Tuesday.

You will witness firsthand a feat of bravery not seen since McDonalds signs said "Over 2 Served". 

I am going to record Tuesday's Dumbass News story on video, outside, right smack dab in the middle of a raging leviathon of a snow storm!

Yes, Dumabass Horde, I am going to risk life and limb, not to mention my nut sack, by actually throwing my frail, arthritic, fibromyalgia-ridden body into the teeth of the worst Winter Storm to hit Augusta, Maine in several years!

Even if my scrotum freezes, falls off and gets buried under two feet of snow or Mr. Winky gets frostbitten, I shall carry on with unrivaled courage - and two fewer gonads than I started the day with.

As I sit here writing and thinking, I have decided that this endeavor will be the first ever video for Dumbass Tube, the Official YouTube Channel of Dumbass News! <---- later="" more="" on="" p="" that="">
I may even send the tape to The Weather Channel. I need the gig. Kiss my ass, Jim Cantore! Hurricane, schmurricane.

I gotta say though, that standing in a hurricane or a blizzard still ain't as dumbfuck stoopid as some of the insane shit I have written about here.

Unless my gazebos freeze off.

In that case, I'll be the Dumbass of the Year for 2015.

Dumbass.

***Video of this Historic event will be posted Wednesday***

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Dumbass Book Store

Read you rong time.....


Dumbass.

Dear Dead Guy, We Have a Check for You. Signed, U S Gubmint

Hey! I got my check, did you?
Best of Dumbass News

By many accounts, the stimulus package passed by the US Congress in February, 2009, has been an unmitigated Dumbass Move. Nineteen months after this monstrosity got the Congressional Okie Dokie, unemployment remains above 9.5 per cent, home foreclosures continue unabated and consumer confidence in the economy is almost nonexistent.

How, oh, how could Congress fuck things up any more than they already have? Just when you thought the answer was "things are FUBAR'ed", our Elected Dumbasses come to the "rescue" with something even more stupid!

Yes, America, members of our national government have been working overtime to figure out new ways to flush your tax dollars down the old crapper, and, dammit, they are doing a damn fine job of it.

The Federal Dumbasses at the Social Security Administration sent out stimulus checks at $250 a pop to 89,000 DEAD or INCARCERATED people! That's $22,250,000 - twenty-two million two hundred fifty thousand dollars- to dead people and Dumbasses in jail. It appears that the idiots at the SSA did not check their records to eliminate dead people and some inmates from the list of fifty-two million Americans the checks were supposed to go to.

Some of the dead people had not collected benefits in over thirty years and some would be 136 years old had they lived! Here's what some spokesdumbass from the SSA said, "Inaccurate payments are unacceptable. Social Security's Recovery Act payments were 99.8 percent accurate, and we quickly collected the majority of the inaccurate payments," SSA spokesman Mark Lassiter said. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am, I wondered to myself, "what is a "majority" of the inaccurate payments?" 70%? 75%? No! When the spokesdumbass said "majority", he meant "majority", as in just over half! According to my math, that leaves somewhere in the neighborhood of eleven million dollars of your money that some dead guy or criminal is spending for God knows what.

For some silly reason, I think the dead guys and crooks are more qualified to figure out what to do with eleven mil than our Elected Dumbasses.

Unless the dead guys are from Chicago. Those are the ones I don't trust.

Dumbasses.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Have You Hugged an Asshole Today?

Recognition.....



Dumbasses.

Dumbass Prank of the Day: The Cow Heart On the Wrong Porch Trick!

Best of Dumbass News

Dumbass Dateline, Portland, Oregon (again)

I first read about this story a while back, but it didn't have an ending so I didn't want to write about it. But the Portland PD has now solved the case and it has a couple of elements of Dumbassery that could only happen the Pacific Northwest.

The story started when some Dumbass in Portland got his hands on a cow heart. Yes, a cow (moo moo and all that) heart. He prolly got it at an ethnic food store.

Anyway, the Dumbass with the cow heart decided it would be a great idea to place the heart on the
Excellent Dumbass Prank Prop
front porch of one of his friends!

What could possibly go wrong?

The Guy then set out under cover of darkness to complete his appointed task. He arrived at the prankee's address and gently, ever so gently, put the cow heart on the front porch. Then he ran like hell, no doubt laughing his ass off at what he had just accomplished.

Did I say "accomplished"? 

Maybe that was a bit premature.

Remember we are dealing with a Dumbass here, so something just had to go wrong.

And it did.

He put the cow heart on the porch of the wrong address!

The friend the cow heart was intended for lived around the corner! The next morning the owner of the house opened his front door to pick up the daily bird cage liner (that's newspaper for you idiots in Portland, the O-R-E) only to discover a cow heart on his porch! After recovering from his massive coronary upon seeing the cow heart on his porch, the home owner then went inside to have a shot of Tequila and call the cops.

In that order.

Case Closed

The PPD worked furiously looking for a Satanic cult or mobsters, well, maybe not furiously, more like "who gives a shit?", on this case, but they were unable to solve it.

Until....

She walked in.

Of all the cow heart cases around the world, she walks into mine. She was the intended victim of the cow heart prank.

I can just see it. This babe walks into the Cop Shop and says, "The cow heart was meant for me." She proceeds to tell the story of what went wrong, with the cops laughing their asses off .

Heart to Heart

Here's some advice for the Cow Heart Dumbass. The next time you get the urge to place animal organs on someone's porch, get the address right first! Now it's possible that Cow Heart Guy was punked by some of his and deliberately given the wrong address. In that case, he should get them all in one location at the same time, say a poker game, and when the time is right, blast them all to Kingdom Come with an M-16. Or he could simply get drunk and piss on them.

Secondly: Cow hearts are so fucking passe. Next time you do this shit, use a horse penis or something. Or a live rattlesnake. That'll induce more than a measly massive coronary. You've got to go for the gusto, son. Wouldn't a dead body add great effect to the whole prank?

Do I have to do all your thinking for you?

Dumbass.

Friday, January 23, 2015

I Got Mine! 2015 Texas Tweeties Calendar w/ Photos by Award Winning Bob Zeller!

Look what I got in the mail today!

The 2015 Texas Tweeties Calendar!



This calendar features photos taken by one of our country's premiere Nature photographers (and my dear friend) Bob Zeller!

It's not too late to order yours!

Here's how: 

Each calendar is $25 and that covers all taxes and shipping costs

Bob Zeller, 4401 White Ash Lane, San Angelo, Texas, 76904-4528.

You can also contact Bob here: Texas Tweeties.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Finance: Bankin' in Da Hood

Member F.D.I.C.....




Dumbasses.

86 Year Old Guy Wins 1st Prize: Threesome w/ 2 Hookers! Gets Screwed By Vapor Locking Before Fooking!

Best of Dumbass News

I have mentioned a few times on "Dumbass News" that in a Former Life I was a Radio Guy.

I had a regular on air shift, did some TV work, TV Commercials, voice overs for TV commercials, Jerry Lewis' MD Telethon local breaks, play by play and color commentary for baseball, football and basketball, and a whole bunch of other Shit Radio Guys With Dashing Good Lucks & An Assload of Talent Do.

I was a "Star".

Not a National Star, like, say, Howard Stern (more on Howard in a minute), but certainly a Local and Regional "Star".

To me, being a Radio Guy was my job - a very cool job to be sure, but playing records and doing all the other stuff was how I paid my bills.

And got a lot of beer bought for me.

And other Free Shit.

And Chicks.

Lots of Chicks.

I ain't braggin' here, that's just the way it was.

One of my favorite things I got to do as a Radio Guy was to give people Free Shit - coffee mugs emblazoned with the radio station logo, concert tickets, records (eventually CDs), T-shirts and various other forms of swag.

Back to Howard Stern...he is a National Star.

As such, he gets to give away All the Good Shit.

Like a threesome with two high-priced hookers.

Let me splain.

Howard's Get Grandpa Laid Contest

Not too long ago, Howard Stern held what, to my knowledge, what has to be "The Greatest Radio Contest Since Guglielmo Marconi First Broadcast "That's Amore" in 1897". 

The I Want to Get My Grandpa Laid contest attracted entrants from All Over Hell and Creation. Not to mention the Upper Peninsula of Meechigan.

Alas, a Yooper did not win The Grand Prize. That means that all the men on the U P will remain virgins. (Better luck nex time, Dumbasses)

Oh, yeah! The Grand Prize!

I almost forgot about The Grand Prize!

The Big Weener Winner got a FREE threesome with two hookers from the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada!

This prize beats the shit out of coffee mugs, concert tickets and t-shirts, let me tell you.

Apparently, the I Want to Get My Grandpa Laid contest was some sort of (satirical?) tie-in with a movie called Bad Grandpa

Dead Fucker & Other Fuckers

An 86 Year Old Non-Yooper named Johnny Orris was selected as the "winner". Johnny was entered into the contest by his grandson Ed.

As you can well imagine, Johnny was pumped up over his good fortune.

He was so excited that the night before the Big Event, Johnny went out and celebrated by consuming a steak dinner.

Well....almost consuming a steak dinner.

Big John was a few bites into his Dead Animal Flesh when he choked to death on a bite of the steak!

Holy Heimlich Maneuver, Batman!

Now,  I have never been dead, although I am a Grandpa and I have been laid, and it may just be me, but choking to death precludes having a nice, sweaty threesome with two whores.

And the Now Dearly Departed Grandpa Johnny had just spent a large portion of his Sohsh Curity check on Viagra, hoping for an erection lasting longer than four hours and causing an unsafe drop in blood pressure for which he would have had to immediately consult his physician.

Choking to death has a way of interrupting even the best-laid plans.

Best-laid. 

I kill me.

Just not by choking to death.

There is, however, a ray of sunshine in this tale of unrequited lust.

Ed the Grandson was sentimental enough, and by "sentimental enough" I of course mean "horny as a two-peckered billy goat", to "cash in" the Good for One Free Threesome With Two High-Priced Hookers coupon in Grandpa Johnny's honor.

Alas, it is true....blood is thicker than water.

Especially when the blood rushes to the weenie of a guy who's about to get fucked by two high dollar sluts for FREE in place of his dead Grandfather.

Word is that Ed the Grandson inherited Grandpa's Viagra too.

But he was not hoping for an erection lasting longer than four hours and causing an unsafe drop in blood pressure for which he would have had to immediately consult his physician.

Nor did he have a steak dinner the night before getting his peepers screwed cross-eyed.

And he lived to tell about it.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Dumbass Emeritus Stoo via Gawker.com***

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Nationally Renowned Photog Bob Zeller's "2015 Texas Tweeties Calendar" is Here! Order Today!

Amazing Photo by Bob Zeller

My long-time Very Good Friend, Blogger, Nationally Renowned Photographer and All Around Funky Old Dude Bob Zeller has just released his 2015 Texas Tweeties Calendar!

Bob's photos have appeared in and on the covers of some of the most prestigious magazines in the United States. He has been recognized by his peers as one of the most prolific and extraordinary photographers in the country. And those are just some of the accolades that have been bestowed upon this wonderful man.

A few years ago I wrote a story about Bob on one of my other blogs that describes just what kind of special Human Bean Mr. Zeller is. Go read it here. I'll wait for you.

Now that you know what an exemplary man Bob is, please take the time to order his 2015 Texas Tweeties Calendar! I have one on the way myself and it will be the fourth (?) Texas Tweeties Calendar that I have gotten from Bob. (BTW, my kids,  now 7 & 12, absolutely love the photos that Bob has chosen for each of the calendars I have gotten from him!)

Here's the ordering and contact information you'll need to get your very own  2015 Texas Tweeties Calendar!

Each calendar is $25 and that covers all taxes and shipping costs

Bob Zeller, 4401 White Ash Lane, San Angelo, Texas, 76904-4528.

If you have any further questions, you can click on the link to Texas Tweeties below and leave it in the comment section of one of Bob's posts, or click on the "Contact Me" button in the rigt sidebar of the blog and Bob will get back to you ASAP.

Be sure to read and follow Bob's blog, Texas Tweeties, so you don't miss out on the outstanding photos that this great man shares with us and the world.

You will not be disappointed!

***No I am NOT getting paid to do this. Bob is an outstanding photographer who just happens to be my friend***

Dumbass Candid Camera: Ed Bassmaster Farts in Public at Times Square! (VIDEO)

Ed
Farting.

It's free, natural and ozone friendly - I don't care what the EPA says.

Speaking of Real Gone Gassers....Ed Bassmaster is one of the funniest guys on the internet and he does a Candid Camera -type YouTube Show.

Ed is also a World Class Farter.

Senor Bassmaster took his Mad Assplosion Skiilz to Times Square in New York City.

Farting in NYC



Dumbasses.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Dumbass Protest Sign of the Day!

They oughtta make a law.....


'Murca.

Dumbasses.

Best Dumbass Protest Tool Ever: Arms, Chains, Cement, 55 Gallon Drums!

Protesting/civil disobedience is as American as apple pie.

For reasons of brevity, and the fact that I am a lousy typist, "protest/civil disobedience" will be referred to simply as "protest".

When I say "protest" I don't mean rioting or looting. I mean "civil disobedience". (which I said I wouldn't type again....so sue me)

Perhaps the most historic protest in our nation's history is the Boston Tea Party.

This is rather ironic since what is arguably the Stoopidest Protest in Our Nation's History also took place in Beantown.

This particular act of civil disobedience (there I go again) is a direct offshoot of the protests in Ferguson, Missouri and New York City where two black guys died in confrontations with the police.

The stated purpose of this protest was to "disrupt bidness as usual" and to "protest police and state vioence against black people".

Black Lives Matter.

You'll recall that in the protests in Ferguson and the Big Apple one of the ways the punks, thugs and radicals protesters "disrupted bidness as usual" was to block major roadways, including interstate highways.

The Commie Pukes protesters in Boston took a cue from their fellow travelers in Missouri and New York - they blocked Interstate 93 in both directions in and out of Boston.

This action was not very original, so these Dumbasses used some Good Old New England Ingenuity and came up with a brilliant new way to bring attention to their cause. Naturally by "brilliant" I mean "insane".

This is what I mean by "insane":



At first glance this photo appears to show two garden variety yak shit-for-brains Massholes leaning against a 55 gallon drum blocking traffic on one of the busiest highways in New England, I-93. This would be a correct assumption. Kind of.

Further examination, however, reveals that these two unflushed turds actually have their arms inserted into holes in the barrel.

What you can't see is that inside the barrel their arms are chained together!

If you were to do more extensive investigation you would discover that not only are their arms chained together inside the barrel, the barrel is filled with cement!

Now that's the way to conduct civil disobedience! (I know, I know)

To answer an unasked question, yes these two paint huffers were rescued.....by the very people they were protesting against!



Karma.

Bitches.

Oh, yeah.....fuck you pencil neck pussies.

Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip to Joe the Maintenance Dumbass***

***Photos From boston.com ***
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