Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: February 2016 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, February 29, 2016

Dumbass Coffee Drinking Lesson Number 1

Admit it. You have done this before. Dumbasses. ***Hat Tip to Lj Fowler***

Dumbass Legal Department: Disorder in the Court!

Do you swear...No But I Know All the Woids!

When I first moved to Irving, Texas from Fort Worth in 1966, the first people I met were two little boys who lived around the corner from me - Mike and Gene McGuire.

We were buddies.

When I moved out the neighborhood, I lost contact with them until recently when I found them on Facebook - almost 50 years later. This is one of those times when I think Facebook is the best thing since Hawaiian Weed.

Anyway...Mike's and Gene's Dad was a lawyer, so when Mike posted this to FB I could picture Lonnie the Dad destroying his Courtroom Opposition when shit like this happened,. I also found it cool because when I went to college right after high screwl, I was a Pre-law Major. (I used to watch a lot of Perry Mason) I still watch Perry Mason but the lure of a career in a Court of Law has long since disappeared. Thankfully. Now I am just a bum. Bummery is way more relaxing and enjoyable than trials or litigation. Plus I can drink beer anytime I want to (in a Court Room...not so I win!)

Evidently these following are from actual Court transcripts of Honest-to-God Court Room Proceedings.

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This could, and in all likelihood would, have been me.

I am a much better Bum than I would I have been as an attorney - plus I save a couple hundred Large in college tuition.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a Perry Mason rerun on.


Sunday, February 28, 2016

Winter Really Sucks (VIDEO)

I hate it when this happens.

"Snow Days Are Coming!"

Posted by Bitch, You Are About As Useless As A Vibrator With No Batteries on Thursday, October 29, 2015
Dumbass. ***Hat Tip: Doreen Bob***

Friday, February 26, 2016

Snow Art - Ghosts of Winters Past

I wrote this a couple of winters ago, but since we've had a pretty mild winter this year (by New England standards), I wanted to bring back memories of what a REAL N E Winter looks like.

Augusta, Maine - 11-2-2014, 3:50 PM EST

We got our first snowfall of the season today here in New England.

Right now there's about 4 inches on the ground, while Mother Nature continues to dump more white stuff on us - possibly 4 or 5 more inches before this storm is over.

It is November 2nd as I type this.

This does not bode well for the prospects of a "mild" winter, whose official start is still 7 weeks away!

In my hometown of Irving, Texas it is currently 66 degrees.


Later this year when Old Man Winter hits us with all his fury, The First Family of Dumbassery (me & my wife and kids) will have very few opportunities for recreation except for building igloos and walking our pet moose Clyde.

The more creative residents of New England, however, put their Mad Artistic Skillz to good use when we have a few feet of snow on the ground.




Attack of the Giant Q-tip

Two Feet of Snow

The End is Nigh!

Snowed Under at the Office

No Two Snow "Flakes" Are Alike

Snowman Anger Management

"Gimme My Brother Back!"

Victim of Ice-iss


Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Missing a Dumbass Brother

Dear Dumbasses,

Today would have been my buddy Tommy's 59th birthday. Note: would have been. Tommy died several years ago. I did not even know that he was sick because I had moved across the country to Maine and had been out of contact with him for some time. I found out about his death on fucking Facebook of all places.

Tommy would see great irony in this.

Tommy was, as they say, my brother from another mother. Silly maybe, but true.

When I was sinking in quicksand, Tommy was always there to throw me a rope. And a beer. Beer first, though, rope second. He insisted. I accepted.

Tommy was on his Death Bed asking "Where's my brother Toby?" I have never in my life been more humbled than when I learned of this. He's dying and he's thinking of me. Pretty fucking heavy duty, but not surprising actually because that's the kind of man Tommy was.

I shall keep this short because emotions are running high here at the Dumbass Dome and it's very difficult to type through the tears.

I miss you, Tommy.

You were a bad motherfucker - in a good way of course.

I'll never forget...Lynn right, Lynn left, Lynn up the middle with #33 leading the way. (obscure high school football reference)

Thanks, amigo.

I love you, man. But you still ain't gettin' my Bud Lite.


Monday, February 22, 2016

Dumbass Classified Ads!

A few years ago, I started a feature  on Dumbass News called Dumbass Newspaper Headlines. DNH was so popular that I decided to make them a regular part of the blog.

Last night I was considering writing a new post of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, when all of the sudden I thought about a little blurb I saw in a small town Texas newspaper about twenty years ago. This long ago and faraway memory got me to thinking that newspapers have some pretty damn funny stuff in them besides the stoopid headlines. Of course, there's the occasional typo that completely alters the intended meaning of a sentence, but there is also another very important part of a newspaper that can provide an unintentional belly laugh - the classified ads!

With this in mind, I used my Fearless Leader Google Fu and came upon some damn funny classifieds floating around the ether.


So, Fellow Dumbasses, without further ado, I present to you the Very First Edition of Dumbass Newspaper Classified Ads!

Keep in mind that these are actual ads run in actual newspapers all across the country.

The Ads

Dammit! I was looking for a used tombstone that said"Smith".

Winter time can be awful lonely in Boise.

I want some of what this guy's smokin'.

Well that narrows down the search!

Throw in a young stripper and it's a deal.

Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

Just in case you are ever chased by a dog in a foreign country. Or a foreign dog for that matter.

That's the Christmas Spirit!

This must be an ad for Bud's Medical Center.
And last but not least...

Wanna go shopping, Ladies?


***Special Thanks to & for the Ads!***

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Ruth Is Stranger Than Friction: Dumbass Doctors' Names!

Fine, Howard & Howard, PhD(umbasses)

As I have explained on this Very Fun & Informative Weblog before, I have some health issues that require me to see several medical professionals that specialize in various areas of medicine and mental health.

In medical parlance these areas are known osteopathy, pain management and psychiatry. In the vernacular, these Doctors are known as Doctors that Treat Crazy, Beat-to-Shit Almost Old Dumbasses. On a more personal level, I refer to this as Fucked Up.

Over the course of my lifetime I have had some Doctors with some strange, if not downright frightening, names.

For example, as a child my pediatrician's name was Dr. Hooker. When I was a teenager my main sawbones was named, and I ain't making this up, Dr. Manual Slaughter. I can assure you that it is a bit disconcerting the have an Old Guy, PhD named Slaughter, cup your gazebos and say, "Turn your head to the left and cough." I can also assure that there were no visions of sugar plums dancing in my head.

With that in mind, I did a cursory Bing search for "doctors with fucked up names".

I found these:

Not a Coke Head.

Bless You.

He's Your Man for STDs.

Ob-Gyn O-U-C-H

Plastic Weenies?


I'll Take Him Over Dr. WTF Any Day.

Camels & Goats a Specialty.

Open Wide.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up.


Saturday, February 20, 2016

Dumbass Photo of the Day: Redneck Ingenuity - Fishing & Beer Division

Necessity is the Mother of Invention....


Signs of Dumbassery (Photo Gallery)

Best of Dumbass News

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind,
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign?
~Five Man Electrical Band~

Earth first!

True Romance.

Eat moar chikkin.

Search Terms.

Dicking Around.

Rammin' Noodles.

Rammin' Noodles Served Here.

Suck One Down.

No Roaming Charges.

I'm Not as Drunk as Some Thinkle Peep.

No Shit.


Friday, February 19, 2016

Lookin' Back: Dumbass Dinner Delicacies!

Best of Dumbass News

I have lived in Maine for about 8 1/2 years now.

Besides moving here with the hopes that the Future Mrs. Fearless Leader would take advantage of me in a carnal way thus creating a baby that would spring forth from her loins, one of my stated goals upon arriving in the Pine Tree State was to bring these Yankee Bastids some culture.

Yeah, I know they have some fine universities, museums and lobsters and shit, but what kind of damn culture is that?

In today's lesson in the Culture of Redneck Dumbassery, I'd like to focus on food.

Don't get wrong, I love lobster (it's one of my favorite vegetables), but New England Cuisine overall is, shall we say, lacking.

The closest thing to Meskin food up here is Taco Bell. BBQ? Don't even get me started. They do, however, make a pretty tasty Moose Scrotum Fondue.

OK, you got me...I made up the part about Moose Scrotum Fondue.

I think he best way to get Yankees acclimated to Redneck food is to start with the stuff that can be found in any supermarket from Texas to Georgia. You know...comfort food.

So, I racked my brain and came up with some Redneck Delicacies that are sure to please even the Most Discriminating Yankee Palate. 

Lickin' Fingers Good

The Bill Makes a Handy Gravy Ladle

Come From Soprano Fish

Rinse Before Consuming

Leapin' Lyme Disease!

Canned Possum On a Half Shell

Prime Source of the All Night Squirts

Very Popular With Gay Caballeros

Also called "Needle Dicks"


***Hat tip to Joe Henderson, Long Time Friend & South Irving White Trash for "Creamed Possum"***
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