Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: July 2017 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, July 28, 2017

Cell Phones: More Dangerous Than Alligators

I may be the only 60 year old man in the United States of America that doesn't own a cell phone. It really doesn't make sense because when I go fishin' I am in the company of bears, mountain lions, wild hawgs, and alligators, critters that look at me like a Super Sized Big Mac. A cell phone might come in handy in certain circumstances like being a 5'4", 135 pound mini buffet for one of Nature's Most Dangerous Beasts. But, honestly, that doesn't bother me. Really, it doesn't. For a guy like me who has been fishin' for almost six decades, I can't think of a better way to go - unless it's in the throes of Mad Monkey Sex with Jessica Alba, Salma Hayek and a couple of cheap hookers from Downtown Dallas. But that's just me. I guess the main reason I don't have a cell phone is that when I am in the Great Outdoors enjoying God's Bounty I DO NOT want anybody to fuck with me. I am in the Great Outdoors for a specific purpose and it does not involve getting a phone call or text while I am setting a Potential State Record for a largemouth bass. Call me Old Fashioned but just that's the way it is for me - except for the Mad Monkey Sex Thing with Jessica, Salma and the cheap hookers. All that said, there is one more reason why I do not own any for of mobile communications which could interfere with my fishin' or Mad Monkey Sex. That reason is featured in the video below. Bears, mountain lions, wild hawgs, and alligators ain't shit compared to falling down one of these things. Thankfully there are very few of these doohickeys in the Wild. Ain't no cell phone in sight either. See? The shit works out right. Dumbasses.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

A New Mrs. Fearless Leader !!!! Another Trip Down the Aisle

There's an Old Saying, and you know how fond I am of Old Sayings, that goes something like this: "The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results". I am Living Proof of such Dumbassery. Especially regarding the Sacrament of Marriage. I just ain't worth a shit at it. So what do I do? I asked a broad I have known for over 20 years to become the Newest Mrs. Fearless Leader. Sadly for her said said "Yes". Fortunately for me, she's is Eye-Talian and makes a Bad Ass Lasagna. I could be a Rather Chubby Fearless Leader in the matter of a few months. So be it. Burp! This is how I put it my Facebook page yesterday: "BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: I have some beans to spill. Last night I got down on bended knee and asked Doreen Bob to be my next ex-wife. She accepted. I just hope she doesn't know that Maine is an alimony state. That said, I speak fairly fluent Spanish, so Costa Rica ain't out of the question. Mazal tov to me !!! <---And I ain't even Jewish." One of the comments I received on this Facebook post came from an Anonymous Canada-ite Lady. It went something like this: "Your next ex-wife...what woman could turn THAT down?" To which I reply: "None with any common sense". But I am a bit Romantic that way. I am the King of My Castle! The Ruler of My Domain! The Head Honcho! I am your (and her) Fearless Leader! Until of course she says "you ain't gettin' any "groceries" tonight if you don't straighten your shit out! But I did make some Bad Ass Lasagna, dear." What's a Fearless Leader to do? Those Special Saturday Nights Involving Bad Ass Lasagna, Baby Oil, Panty Hose and Tequila don't come around as often as they used to for a man my age. I'll think about it. Maybe. Or just pay the damn alimony. I'm responsible (and stoopid) like that. "The definition of insanity..." <----This is why I am a Fearless Leader. Lasagna, anyone? The Soon-to-Be-New Mrs. Fearless Leader:
P S Blogger has changed a lot since I haven't posted in a while, so I am still figuring some formatting problems out. Deal with it. Dumbasses.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Bad Idea of the Day: Buying Cocaine From Cops (At the Police Station!)

I am not ashamed to admit that I have done some Really Stoopid Shit over the course of my Lifetime. At one time I believed in the Philosophy of Better Living Through Hops, Barley and Chemistry. While this kind of lifestyle is most certainly a dead end road, I didn't see the sign that instructed me of such for many years. That said, I can honestly say that when I bought my substance(s) of choice, I went 1) to a likker store 2) to a Local Punk Ass Drug Dealer. Not ONE TIME EVER did I go to the local Constabulary (the Heat, the Fuzz, the Cops) and say, "Pardon me, Officer, I would like to buy some high quality Schedule 1 Narcotics. Can you help a Dumbass out?" Let me splain. In Hartford, Connecticut there are these two Dumbasses who were in dire need of some Premium Blow, so they set off to score some. Did they go to a Local Punk Ass Drug Dealer on a dimly intersection in Hartford? Nope. Perhaps they set out to find a member of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel to secure a little nose candy. This ended up not being the case as all Sinaloa Drug Cartel Members were busy celebrating "We Just Beheaded a Snitch Day". So, with the unavailability of Local Punk Ass Drug Dealers and Sinaloa Drug Cartel Hombres, our heroes decided that the next logical step was to do something unusual - like go to the Hartford Police Department and solicit an eight ball from a cop. Now this makes perfect sense if you are all juiced up. If you are not all juiced up on some toot, then this is not such a good idea. Here's the Deal: As you may have ascertained, the two aforementioned Dumbasses were on the prowl for some coke. After a fruitless search for Local Punk Ass Drug Dealers and Sinaloa Cartel Members, they were in a "fix" (pun intended). So they decided "Hey! Let's go buy some dope from the cops!" This was major miscalculation on their part. From the article: " The report says an officer was walking to his personal vehicle after finishing his shift at about 2 a.m. when he was approached by two men who said they wanted to "buy coke." The men asked the officer to sell them some cocaine, but said they needed to visit an ATM to get some cash. The officer "pointed out that there was an ATM inside of the front lobby of the Police Department," the report states. "The suspects then went into the Police Department to retrieve $60 to pay the officer for cocaine." There are some lessons to be gleaned from this: 1) When confronted with a darth of Local Punk Ass Drug Dealers and/or Sinaloa Cartel Members, go to the likker store. It's much cheaper and it's LEGAL. 2) I recommend Tequila. 3) Coke ain't all it's "cracked" up to be. <---another pun intended. 4) Channel your inner Rick James..."Cocaine is a helluva drug". 5) If you are stoopid enough to buy blow from the Fuzz, please do not pro-create. 6) Thank you 7) It's good to be back. Dumbasses.
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